Who am I

I have this blog, just as I have two other journals in which I write about my life and where I see it going in the future. Yet, even with all of that, I'm still very uncertain about what's going to happen next in my life.

I am set to defend my doctoral dissertation and start my career as a research scientist next month. Don't get me wrong. It's great to be at this point, but I've struggled so long to get here that I've had a hard time envisioning my life after the Ph.D. See, this is where my final childhood dream comes to fruition. I've relied on those dreams to push me forward for the last 28 years, and now, there are none left. I consider myself successful in chasing them, but what happens now?

There are a few things that I know. I know that there are things for which I have more passion than science. I know that I am not likely to be the person who one day wins the Nobel Prize. I do not always have the confidence to be completely innovative and I am not lucky. I know that I am a better follower than leader. I've learned that I need a supportive environment to be productive. I know that I am cynical about the world. I've learned and continue to learn to be selective about confronting B.S. Life is much too short to spend it being angry all the time. I've learned that labels are limiting. I am not a femme, stud, soft-stud, butch, or tomboy, nor am I a lesbian. I was born a woman but my gender is not so easily identified. Labels assuming that I fit the gender binary are meaningless. My gender is everything and nothing at all. If I must label it, I will call it me. This is what I know.

But, even knowing these things, where does it leave me? I feel like I am in a state of flux, and it's scary. I've never not had a plan before. But, how can I plan the logical next step if that's not where my heart is? I just need more time to figure it out and find myself beneath the chaos. Plus, I need a vacation. Yes, a vacation is a good ass look!