I went to the National Equality March

Took the weekend off from writing because I desperately needed a break. We joined our friends M and D in DC for the National Equality March. Considering that I have been focused on my dissertation and nothing else, I really hadn't given the march much thought, nor did I have an agenda for when we arrived. Nevertheless, there were lots of things to do so we just jumped right in.

Saturday (seminars and discussions):

The IMPACT queer youth group organized a flashmob at Union Station. Have you ever seen those commercials on tv where lots of people assemble without warning in a crowded public place, perform some activity, then disperse? Well, imagine hundreds of queer kids and their supporters assembling at busy Union Station, posing in place for a couple of minutes, and dropping a 12-foot banner that read, "this is what equality looks like." So much fun, but I can't find any video on youtube though I know people were taping us. After the flashmob, we all gathered outside for a short rally, then marched over to the Capitol for a short protest. The fact that this was organized by kids? Awesome. The fact that these kids were so out, proud, and full of conviction? Total and complete win.

Later that afternoon, we attended several seminars and discussion panels.

"Race and the LGBT Community": This was a very interactive discussion hosted by a brothah (Derek Washington), with a panel including (and I feel bad for not writing everyone's names, so I will speak in terms of demographics) a gay Asian man (Wayne ?), a white transgender woman (Babs Siperstein, the first transgender person appointed to the DNC), a lesbian Latina (Anne-Marie Williams), and another white man (David ?), who I presume to be gay. The audience itself was quite diverse, though I couldn't find a single transgender POC. This forum raised so many interesting points but a few really resonated with me. First, we discussed the priorities of the LGBT community and the tendency of the rich, white majority to focus on marriage. When Mr. Washington asked for a show of hands from people who thought marriage should be the top priority in the community, there was not a single hand up in the room. I think that says a lot about how POC voices are not really being heard at the top. Also, we discussed the importance of seeing yourself represented in the community as motivation for getting involved. In a nutshell, the queer POC in the room said we would be more willing to get involved in functions and activities where there were other queer POC present. Although this seems 101 to me, it didn't sit well with Babs, who thought it was important that queer POC learn to play the "white game" and strategically demand entrance to traditionally white venues to make our voices are heard. Anne-Marie agreed with Babs but raised an interesting point that POC are often socialized not to speak up or feel entitled to have our voices heard. That really rang true with me. Seeing Babs frown on the queer POC really made me start to think about whether white transgender women still possess the entitlement that comes from being socialized as white men. Of course, then, she would find it hard to grasp the hesistancy and the frustration that comes with inviting ourselves to the "white table." Nevertheless, great discussion and lots of food for thought.

"Trans-101": We followed up that discussion by attending the Trans-101 seminar, run by Rev. Donna. It began with a history of transgenderism and was supposed to move into a discussion of the current important issues in the transgender community. This seminar? Not so good. In addition to giving a history that was devoid of FTMs, Rev. Donna clearly had some privilege issues that, IMO, made her difficult to hear. Also, there were two POC in the room, and neither one of us was transgender. Rev. Donna acted as if her anger at the president and his inaction on transgender issues also extended to all POC. Um, no. First, all POC (just like all white folks) aren't opposed to LGBT rights. Second, and very importantly, there's something called intersectionality. Google it. Needless to say, we cut out early on that one and instead headed to the Transgender Welcome Forum.

Transgender Welcome Forum: This was forum dedicated to discussing transgender issues from the legal and community perspectives. First thing I noticed when I entered the room? The absence of transpeople of color. The vast majority were white transwomen. Legal issues were presented by Mara Keisling, executive director of the National Center for Transgender Equality. We spent a bit of time talking about ENDA, which is definitely needed, but I expected/hoped there would also be a focus on legal measures to curb violence and ensure healthcare for transpeople (though, perhaps I missed them because we arrived late). We heard about several initiatives for trans rights in the DC area from another white transwoman whose name escapes me. We also broke into discussion groups to talk about issues that plague the community and how we think we might address them. This wasn't such an effective discussion tactic, but it was okay. Towards the end, a sistah and the only transwoman of color, walked in, and the entire atmosphere in the room changed. Clearly, this sistah, Dee Curry, has a relationship with Ms. Keisling and the other panelists, who, unlike Ms. Keisling, looked like they just wished she hadn't shown up. Dee suggested that she hadn't really been welcomed and had found out about this panel at the last moment. She asked to say a few words and Mara consented. Dee spoke of the transgender POC, but particularly of the black transgender community in DC. She spoke calmly, but she conveyed her anger at having her voice and the voices of other transgender POC go unheard. She stated her part in the lack of exposure but clearly called out the white transgender activists for their inactivity on bridging the gap. Did I mention that I was so happy that she showed up? This was a powerful forum, not for what was said, but for what (almost) wasn't. I also went over and talked to Dee after the forum because I thought it was important to reach out and to commend her for showing up despite the obvious bullshit. She's got a full plate, trying to organize support for transgender POC in DC, but she has managed to establish the DC Hollaback club (though I can't find a link on the web).

Sunday (the march):

the March: There were thousands and thousands of people...and two, count them, TWO anti-gay, pro-church protesters. Seriously dudes, y'all are clearly outnumbered. GTF home. It was great to see so many people out in force, even if everyone had a different priority for being there. Based on their protest signs, some folks were there in search of marriage equality, some in support of immigration reform. Some folks were there to protest the ridiculous "Dont Ask, Don't Tell" policy. It didn't really matter why, but we were all able to go and voice our dissent. That was beautiful, powerful, and worth the trip. That being said, there were some things that made me cringe with anger, like the continued appropriation of songs and images from the civil rights movement. There were two young white protesters holding a sign of an image they had clearly photoshopped to make the image on the bottom.

(top pic found on Daily Kos via a Google image search. bottom pic = photoshop)

...

Epic fail. I get that you want to convey queer people as second class citizens, but this? Just no. Also, the Gay Mens Chorus singing "We Shall Overcome" was... Yeah, not feeling it. There's just something that rankles about using the civil rights movement when the voices and concerns of queer POC are clearly still being ignored and there's a very real antagonism against POC communities. It's quite isolating and it makes me feel personally that I must choose between my queer and POC identities. That's not a choice anyone should have to make.

Full coverage of the after march rally at the Capitol is available on C-span.

I despise politicians

I despise politics and I don't trust politicians. Too many promises and not enough substance or action.

Right now, Houston is gearing up for its mayoral election, and one of the frontrunners is openly lesbian Annise D. Parker. I know that Ms. Parker has a long history as an LGBT activist, but there's little information to be found on her position on queer issues now that she's running for higher political office. I'm not one to assume someone's intentions because they fit a certain demographic. I need proof.

I know that she supported Hillary Clinton as president. That's a pretty major strike because the election brought out the worst in Hillary. She was behaving like a spoiled child, whining about the mean POC who were ruining her chances of election just because she was white. C'mon son. Hillary could have done better had she come more correct. Instead, all she did to reach out to blackfolk was drop every famous black name she could think of just to prove, "I've always been good to you people!!!" like Ms. Millie from The Color Purple. The fact that Annise would side with someone who is drowning in white privilege goes to show that just because she's a lesbian doesn't mean she understands my experience as a POC.

Really, that's been my issue with Ms. Parker the entire time I've known her. I blogged about my discontent back in January 2008.

Went to the PFLAG meeting on Sunday, and the guest speaker was Annise Parker. I was really looking forward to it. I suppose I was going into it thinking that she must be a progressive person, being that she is such a high ranking, out lesbian. Surely, all the things that she has endured in her life to get to where she is would give her quite a unique perspective. Well, maybe it has, but she still sounds like a politician to me.

There were two points that she really struck out on as far as I am concerned: transgender rights and race politics.

I think it was during the question and answer period that someone brought up the topic of transgender rights, and like most politicians who don't want to reveal their feelings, she kind of deflected the question. I think it was clear that she is like the rest of the community who believe that we should defer seeking transgender rights until the rest of the GLB community can make strides in the equality arena. What a load of crap! I understand the argument, but if we're not going to include transgender people in our struggle for equality, then why do we call it the GLBT community? Call me crazy but I expect that when you all belong to a family, the family sticks together under every circumstance. Her argument was that historically, our story to the straight community has been that we as gay folks are exactly the same, except for our sexual preference. She said that transgender people stray away from that, which I believe is so untrue. Just because someone feels they were not born as the right sex doesn't mean that they are not normal, which is what she implied. She needs to read up on some research and consider that there are more than just two sexes and that a number of GLB people consider themselves "gender fluid" anyway. It was sad to hear her speaking like that, playing politician and not owning up to her own feelings on the matter.

Her stance on race was a lot more tricky... First, it was Ms. Parker contending that it is important for her to bring her Black children with her, especially when she is visiting the Black community. Hmm. I'm split on this one. I can see some positives of her wanting to expose her children to the Black community. At the same time, I think it was messed up how she presented that statement, which could have been interpreted as meaning that she, a White politician, would show up in the Black community with her Black kids to qualify herself as down for the cause. That sounds a little too George Bush to me. Having been used as or considered a token quite often, I can't stress how insulting that is. Interesting how that statement gave me pause but got the older White PFLAG women (especially) applauding her efforts. Hmm. Again, it's all about the perception and I didn't know quite how to take that.

After the meeting, [Mrs. Miles] wanted to go up and introduce herself and possibly discuss volunteering for her campaign, as Ms. Parker intends to run for mayor next year. While she was waiting to introduce herself, I caught bits and pieces of a conversation between Ms. Parker and an older White gentleman. I wasn't listening to the entire conversation, but I started paying attention when the guy started to talk about the Black community and how he qualified that by saying he works with the Black community... he was debating her stance on transgender issues by drawing parallels to the Black community - presumably the effects of discrimination and how they could be the same for Black vs. White and transgender vs. gay. Again, Ms. Parker deflected the question, saying that the pressing issue in the Black community is not race but class, using her two daughters' upbringings as an example to illustrate her point. And it was at this point, that I became livid. So, not only is she not a staunch supporter of transgender rights, she is also under the delusion that racism and classism are not related? Oh hell no! Take New Orleans for example. The folks disproportionately affected by Katrina were definitely the lower class, but look at the stats - the largest percentage of that lower class is what? BLACK! Let me see her talk her way around that.

This is 2008. Racism doesn't often take the form of lynching anymore. What's out there is hush hush and built into our socioeconomic system. There are too many people who think that because things don't happen like they did before the civil rights movement, that Black people are just whining and complaining over nothing. There are far too many White people who think that ignoring race all together or steering our attention from it means that the problems will go away or that they must not exist. Excuse me, but as I wake up in my own skin every morning and have to go out being Black everyday, I beg to differ. How many of y'all get tailed around stores or don't get offered service? How many of y'all grew up attending the Black school where they wouldn't even let you check books out of the library? How many of y'all have been the only person of your race in an academic setting? How many times have you been used only as a symbol of diversity where there is really no desire for diversity at all? Grr! The messed up thing is that the struggles in my life would probably pale in comparison to many, but at the same time, the hazards of being a person of color in America aren't limited to only the lower class.

Before I talked to [Mrs. Miles] and found out what that gentleman and Annise Parker were discussing, I was just angry at the display, in general. It might not stir you at all to see two White folks standing there talking about what's most problematic in the Black community, but the irony and the familiarity of the situation had me on edge. How many times have I seen this? How many times? A couple of weeks ago when [Mrs. Mile's] mom was talking about tearing down the projects in New Orleans? It's just like Bill Cosby coming out with those highly critical comments about the Black community but taking them straight to the White media. Then the White audience all agreed with him and had all these criticisms and thoughts on how to improve the Black community. Um, no. No to Bill Cobsy airing our dirty laundry outside the community and no to the White folks who always think they know what's best for other people. Criticism is one thing but qualified criticism is another. [Mrs. Miles] argued that Annise Parker is qualified to discuss race, being the mother of three Black children. Ok, I will concede that. I still contend that hers is one of the more damaging attitudes that race activists must deal with today. It is infinitely harder to change the attitude of someone who believes they are not racist because they have Black children than it is to deal with someone who is drags Black men behind their truck, for example, because they realize their own hatred for Black people. I'm not necessarily saying she's a racist. I'm saying she's a deflectionist, someone who wants to steer conversations away from race as fast as possible. If she was really down, she'd know that neither deflecting nor being colorblind is the answer. There's nothing wrong with being Black, so don't try to ignore it. Just don't use it against me. Why is that so...hard to understand?

...I wish [Ms. Parker] would reconsider her stance on transgender folks and her opinions on race and class, especially for the good of her two daughters so they know it's okay to be proud of their heritage.

Being pro-transgender exclusion for ENDA (even if it is by way of failing to take a stand against transgender exclusion) and believing that racism and classism do not intersect? Two BIG strikes, Ms. Parker. Yet, everyone I know is supporting her because she is openly lesbian and will presumably have the queer community's best interests at heart. No. She has the interests of the WHITE LGB community at heart. I'm so sick of feeling like I have to choose between my POC and queer identities in elections. Clearly, that's what will have to happen if I'm voting for Annise. Plus, if she's not big enough to stand up and address issues like transgender inclusion in ENDA, she's probably not going to be bold enough to stand up on other controversial issues either. I don't trust her.

Pondering identities

I am still sorting many things out about my gender.

I've realized that I have a lot of resentment about being born a woman and the expectations that come along with it. I am not now, nor have I ever been feminine, but that is apparently the identity that is forced upon women just because they are born biologically female. And it's not that I have anything against feminine women - I don't. That's just NOT what I am, so I am royally pissed when people make that assumption just because I have breasts and a coochie. This is where things start to get confusing, though. In some ways, being angry seems like I am claiming "woman" as my identity. That feels wrong logically but right emotionally because I've been socialized as a woman. Still, it leaves me wondering what exactly I am rejecting here. Is it the label "woman" or just what society expects of women according to gender roles? I think it's the latter. Despite that, I just don't feel (completely) like a woman, just like I don't feel (completely) like a man.

I know that gender identity is about what's between your eyes and not necessarily about what's between your legs, but for me, I feel there is something of an overlap. Outside the bedroom, my gender is clearly neutral, but inside, I feel more male-identified. If I had to stick to the gender binary of society, I would feel much more comfortable being addressed as a man than a woman. I find myself cringing when people call me "lady." On the other hand, it's ridiculously hot for my wife to call me anything masculine, like "daddy". This is also a point of confusion for me, as it seems like I am equating my gender identity with my sexuality, which feels wrong.

I think I'm starting to overthink and lose focus on how I feel. Does anyone have any good books on gender identity, and in particular, third genders or gender neutrality? How do you identify?

Who am I

I have this blog, just as I have two other journals in which I write about my life and where I see it going in the future. Yet, even with all of that, I'm still very uncertain about what's going to happen next in my life.

I am set to defend my doctoral dissertation and start my career as a research scientist next month. Don't get me wrong. It's great to be at this point, but I've struggled so long to get here that I've had a hard time envisioning my life after the Ph.D. See, this is where my final childhood dream comes to fruition. I've relied on those dreams to push me forward for the last 28 years, and now, there are none left. I consider myself successful in chasing them, but what happens now?

There are a few things that I know. I know that there are things for which I have more passion than science. I know that I am not likely to be the person who one day wins the Nobel Prize. I do not always have the confidence to be completely innovative and I am not lucky. I know that I am a better follower than leader. I've learned that I need a supportive environment to be productive. I know that I am cynical about the world. I've learned and continue to learn to be selective about confronting B.S. Life is much too short to spend it being angry all the time. I've learned that labels are limiting. I am not a femme, stud, soft-stud, butch, or tomboy, nor am I a lesbian. I was born a woman but my gender is not so easily identified. Labels assuming that I fit the gender binary are meaningless. My gender is everything and nothing at all. If I must label it, I will call it me. This is what I know.

But, even knowing these things, where does it leave me? I feel like I am in a state of flux, and it's scary. I've never not had a plan before. But, how can I plan the logical next step if that's not where my heart is? I just need more time to figure it out and find myself beneath the chaos. Plus, I need a vacation. Yes, a vacation is a good ass look!